Saturday, February 07, 2004 :::

turmoil
 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I love David, and I'm thankful he's ok.
Then why am I crying? What is it about me that makes me so damned....? self-centered.
There's the rational part of me that just wants to go to him and hold him and just be thankful he's alive. And then there's the real me. That part of me deep inside that is just ~pissed off~.
Why?
What is it about me that makes me think my feelings are the only ones that matter?
Why am I upset that he called his mother first?
I feel like... like when it comes to his list of things that are important in his life... it'd be his mom, school, work, friends, and then me.
I thought about leaving work to go see him. But what would I do? His mother's already there - and she's been there for him for the last 27 years. I just met the guy.
I feel... stupid.
Like he doesn't have the same feelings for me that I have for him. and if he does, they're certainly not as strong.
I was starting to think he'd finally come around... that he was finally starting to feel like it was "us" not just him.. not just me.
I guess I'll always come up short. I can either get used to it, or leave.

::: posted by tinafish at 3:45 AM :::