Wednesday, March 03, 2004 :::
I found the chat session where Joe told me how he really felt about our friendship. I had forgotten I even printed that out.
The night we had that conv... it was weird. kinda like a death, ya know?
At first I sat there, just staring at the screen. I didn't believe what I was reading. I mean, he and I had really talked in the last 6 months or so... truth be told we hadn't spoken at all. But I never thought he and I weren't friends anymore. I was just hurt, about the way he treated me the last time we had spoken. I felt like he had betrayed me - the last time I called him I was real torn up about something going on btwn David and me. Joe had been my best friend for years... not many know me as well as he does. I really relied on him for a lot of things. When I look back now he was involved in pretty much every rltnship I'd had. His opinion always meant a lot to me... it still does. He was my sounding board for every decision I made. He was right more often than not - about what I wanted, about why I was doing things... about me. I didn't believe that kind of friendship could be ripped away from me so easily. He had said he was busy - watching a movie with his family - and that he'd call me back. If I were watching a movie with my family I'd have jumped at any reason to get away. But Joe... he got a long with his family. He loved spending time with them. For him family always came first. He used to say I was like a sister to him... that I was family. That was the last time I talked to him. He never called me back.
Then I was angry. I was sitting there and I was crying I was so angry. How could he choose to have this conv online? Didn't I at least deserve to hear it from him?
And there's the guilt. He had said he didn't like the kind of person he was when we were friends - that I treated him like an object and not a person. He was one of the most important people in my life and he said that. And he's probably right. I've never really been able to... trust? Is that the word I'm looking for? In my family growing up, whenever you made some sort of mistake, or if I confided in one of my sisters... it always came out. Trust. Sometimes I'm not sure if I know what it means.
I am alone. Funny how that's the way it turns out. I trusted BoB and he hates me now. I trusted Joe and he hates me now. Both say more or less the same thing. Joe never liked BoB... and yet they both carry the same opinion of me.
maybe I am meant to be alone?
If that is true then what am I doing with David? And why do I feel I need him so desperately?
*sigh*
I miss my friend.
::: posted by tinafish at 12:43 PM :::