Wednesday, November 17, 2004 :::

this is - first and foremost - my diary
 

Well we got back from Bleachers a while ago... Dan & I have been up jacking around.

Doke sent me those flowers, with a note. It's a beautiful note, it really is... just...
I'm not able to recipricate those feelings.
And I wish I could. He's been great to me - he really has. But when it comes down to it he's still just my friend.
heh.
I say "just" like it's a bad thing.
There are guys I date... who are replaceable.
There are guys I date exclusively... still replaceable, but of more value to me.
There are the guys I've been engaged to... 2 of the 4 were very close friends of mine, but the other 2 were... not.
There are my friends... who matter more to me than family.
And in my heirarchy of rltnships the most important are those I've called my boyfriends.

It's rather complicated... in everyday conversation I may refer to some guy I'm just dating exclusively as my bf... mostly that's just 'cause it's loads easier than admitting to everyone I'm a (in the words of my gay friend Chris) cold-hearted bitch.
lol.
truth be told, I've really only had 2 bfs... and they are guys that I was, and still am willing to, spend the rest of my life with.
But things didn't work out, and that's not really a bad thing.
There are no happy endings.
*shrug*

And doke... we "dated exclusively" but he didn't understand the only reason I was nice to him is 'cause we were friends before we started dating.
I never even meant for us to date.
ever.
I mean, I figured when I met him that at some point we'd probably date... but that was back before I'd met David.
We kept in touch... I mean... as friends, ya know? And when david & I split up and I needed a drinking buddy he's one of the guys I called.
*sigh*
Don't get me wrong... nothing ever happened when I was drunk.
He truly cares for me, and he's not the type of person who'd take advantage of me.
I just felt that since he was being so good to me, that I ought to give him a chance.
And that was the wrong decision.
In the end, this is just gonna hurt him; I should have let him be.
I'm just waiting for him to realize that.

::: posted by tinafish at 2:12 AM :::