Friday, July 14, 2006 :::

krypto nite
 

so I talked to my brother for a bit tuesday night... it seems he's found my site.
and mostly I was ok with that.
I mean... this is who I am.
all the choices I've ever made have led me to this... jumbled mix that I'm mostly quite proud of.

my mother called me on wednesday.
he must have given her my number.
my goodness this changes everything.

it's going to be looked at as a lie...
everything I've not told my family.
the thing is, it's not so much a lie as me just not telling them.
I was damn torn up when things went to hell with david.
and I didn't take that break up very well.
but it could have been worse.
for all the time I spent drowning in a bottle, I'm ok now.
don't get me wrong, I still drink some - but it's so different.
not only do I not drink very often, nor nearly as much, but I don't drink to get away.
it's usually me & sarah just out for a few hours. and I don't drive when I've been drinking.

but I'm already such a disappointment to everyone.
to myself, much deeper and more painful than I like to admit.
on one hand I still haven't finished school. hell I'm not even ~in~ school at the moment. I've only ever had 2 real relationships, and both failed miserably. I've managed to eventually alienate every best friend I've ever had. and my faith is not what it used to be.
on the other... I'm happy not being in a relationship - for the first time in my life. I'm not in school, but I do read a lot and that's something I missed. I try to trust more than I used to. and while my faith is not what it used to be, it's still there and a big part of my life.

so why am I so freaked out about my family seeing this place?
because everything I haven't told them... it's not that I'm necessarily hiding it from them, but that I feel it's disrespectful to flaunt such things in front of them.
yes I curse. no I don't curse around any of my family. not because I am trying to make them believe I don't curse, but because I don't think it's appropriate to do that around them.
and what's worse - what will be seen as me trying to hide all of this... my site is down.
/me sigh

::: posted by tinafish at 1:20 PM :::