David... I wouldn't call him my "new" boyfriend, seeing as how I've had him a while... and I don't want to call him my "old" boyfriend, 'cause that implies that he's no longer with me. *shrug*
David, my boyfriend... he's not given me any rules.
In the past I do tend to be somewhat overbearing... As AJ so tactfully put it, I'm a control-freak. I don't mean any offense to AJ, but I care about David just a little bit more. When AJ and I split up it did have a lot to do with me wanting to control his life. I don't wanna mess things up with David over something so trivial, so I've been trying to keep my distance and not make any demands.
In truth I'm all about rules. There are rules that I have when it comes to the guys I date. They have to be taller than me. Have to have a job. Have to have a car. Must be older than me. No drinking, smoking, or any use of illegal contraband. And someone who goes to church. Oh and how the list went on...
Over the course of the year I've spent just dating around, I've come to realise that not too much of that stuff really matters. I've gotten rid of the whole car thing, 'cause I do like to drive. And the whole church thing I found out was overrated. Now I look for someone with strong religous views. And of course the whole drug thing is way important.
But David drinks. Socially, he says. It eats away at me... because it matters to me. I'm still not sure why. Maybe because of the big fight... or the way that intoxicated guys with girlfriends have treated me... *shaking head* Now that I think about it I really have no idea why this matters so much to me.
David's given me no rules. And the only rule I gave him is that he not lie to me. And that's pretty much all I really do require. There's not too much I won't take in stride. If you'd rather be out whoring around, then whore around with my blessings, ya know? Just let me know that you don't wanna be in a committed relationship. I won't even hold it against you. More power to you for at least knowing what you're after.
But back to the whole drinking thing. I don't agree with it. And I'm gonna say that it's just a sum of a my experiences with intoxicated people that does it.
*shrug*
Now I can't just go up and ask him to stop. I don't even have a good reason. And it's most certainly not my place. He's lived the last 26 years just fine without me... the last thing I need to do is give him a reason to go back to that. Thing is... it's gonna keep eating me up. And I can't "tactfully" bring it up 'cause as soon as I do.... *shaking head* If I tell him what I think... what I want... and he doesn't do it... I'll be more than inclined to get rid of him. And if he does what I want... for the sole reason of doing what I want... *shaking head* I'll be inclined to get rid of him. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.
So why not just bite my tongue and move past it?
I really don't know why this means so much to me.
Oh and get this. I did something today that I didn't think I'd ever do. Suffice it to say my actions led to me having "the munchies." *sigh* And I think I may have done it all to spite him.
*shaking head*
Some sort of desperate attempt to get him to lay down some rules for me... and in turn, I get to give him rules too. *nodding* Now that I've stepped back and evaluated my actions of the day, I'm fairly certain that I did it all to kinda bring this whole thing up.
So what does that make me? Incredibly hypocritical, for one thing. *sigh* I'm just so used to having rules. Makes things so much easier, don't you think? Thing is... I'm not sure if I can deal with all this.... *shaking head*
This could be a fatal flaw... on either end. Scares the hell outta me, frankly. I'm dangerously close to losing someone that I've openly admitted to caring about, which is kind of a big deal for me.
He said he didn't know that most of the guys I chill with now were at one time my "boyfriend."
I don't think he understands, though. They weren't boyfriends. None of them were. Just random guys that I happened to be dating. Don't get me wrong... they're all dear to me now, in their respective ways. Friends. In so many ways they mean more to me now than they did then. Guess that's why it's taken me so long to realise I've had such issues. I've gotten rid of guys for less than this.
And to think... the only reason I responded to that email was 'cause of the smileys. *shaking head*
::: posted by tinafish at 1:27 AM :::