Wednesday, June 30, 2004 :::

CORRECTION: there will be no retro-blogging

David tucked me in... called me his little burrito... hasn't said that in months. I couldn't sleep though. So here I am, awake at such an ungodly hour.
I try to keep things I write in here up to date, and while I have a few things i wanted to blog about yesterday I didn't actually get to do it. Late last night (or early this morning) when david and I got back from the movie I decided I was going to blog now and post it like it was written yesterday. I think that'd be cheating myself of the little help this blog is to me. Honestly it's not much help anymore... my friends have really been stepping up to the plate as of late. And that's a wonderful experience.
I've actually been awake for the last half hour or so... I've not really been sleeping well these last few nights. Ever since david and I first started fighting back a couple of months ago my sleep has been affected. Most of the time, when I would get a good run of sleep... since we go to bed ~ 0200 or later every night I would sleep about 12 hours and get up @ ~ 1400. But when we started fighting we'd still go to bed just as late, only I kept waking up @ ~ 1030. Weird, huh. Now since the fighting has gotten more serious, it would seem so has my secret wage against oversleeping. Monday I woke up ~ 0900. Yesterday and today I've gotten up @ ~ 0830. And it's more than me just rolling over in bed and waking up. I am having nightmares.
My dreams have been about me, david, and time travel. Well there are other parts of the dreams that come and go, but so far that has been the one consistent thing. Oh wait. Each dream also involves failure on my part. I can't seem to get the time machine to work properly, so I can't go back in time and help him change the choices he's made. I keep over- or under-shooting, from one dream where I sent us back to the time of the dinosaurs to one dream where a friend of mine from the future was trying to help me finish my life's work.
It's really depressing. I feel like my efforts on the time machine are a metaphor for the amount of effort I've put into this failed relationship. Like no matter how hard I keep trying I can't seem to get all my figures right. And no matter how close I get, I'm still not making it happen.
I have failed. And each night my subconscious is bombarding me with reminders that I have failed. I can honestly say I have ~never~ tried so hard to make something work in my life. And I know that maybe I've got absurd expectations, but dammit this is what I need from him, and he's not meeting me there.
And part of me is afraid. I feel like the more time passes the more willing I am to forgive and forget these expectations I have. And I am afraid that I will cave in this aspect, much like I have caved in every other aspect of our relationship.
I am tired of giving. of making compromises. of him not meeting me halfway.
This is gonna sound ridiculous, but the one thing that keep coming to mind is that once scene in First Contact, where Picard is talking to Lily about how he refuses to give way to the Borg anymore.
"I will not sacrifice The Enterprise. We've made too many compromises already, too many retreats. They invade our space, and we fall back. They assimilate entire worlds, and we fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn here! This far, no farther! And I will make them pay for what they've done!"
Ok... maybe not the first and last lines, but that's the scene I'm talking about. That part where Lily's accusing him of being like Captain Ahab.
I feel like I have given and compromised and sacrificed... and I am tired. I am tired of crying every day, of him not even knowing how much the choices he's made are tearing me up inside... of him caring more about everyone else... of him not even knowing what I need.
David says he has tried, and that I am the one not meeting him... but he does not know the person I used to be. Or how difficult I really have been with other guys in the past.
It's laughable, really - the effort he has put into "us" seems negligable.
To him, that may be all he can offer. And realistically it's selfish of me to want more.
But I am a selfish person.
A selfish person who can say nothing more about this due to the wonderful censoring I'm doing.
To keep from stepping on people's toes.

Yesterday I went to see Farenheit 9/11 with my friend Javier. I got lost on my way to the theatre, but in my defense it's a theatre I've only been to once before, and I've never driven there. And also with all the construction going on I had to circle around twice to even get on the right road. David seemed a little taken that I elected to see it without him, but our political views are so different... the movie's not necessarily anti-bush (there's loads of bashing aside from bush) but it's distinctly anti-war. And I am anti-war. David is not. Anyhow... I saw it with Javier, who's more of an anarchist hippy (lol - if you're reading this don't kill me), and who's anti-war. Ok. So like I was saying. Got lost on the way to the theater... had to circle around... ended up getting there late... ok... I spent some time on the phone before getting in the shower... but in my defense I was ready in 20 mins... but I had to coax lucky into the kitchen w/ a trail of fries... also I helped a friend out w/ a serious problem - he couldn't find the trailer for alien vs predator. lol. I'm still not sure why he came to me for help, but I did find it for him. right... Got there late so the lights were already dim and we couldn't see a thing. There was a pack of about 7 of us standing in the back craning our necks around looking for seats... I ended up sitting in the very back row next to the empty space for a handicapped person and javier sat on the floor in the aisle right next to me. (I think he may have had a better seat than me - lol) All in all I liked the movie... it made some parallels I had already seen, and a few I had not. There was this one shot of this woman who was crying... she was really loosing control... and the camera guy just kept filming. I thought it was kinda barbaric of him to not even offer her a shoulder (she lost her son in the war). Also... there's a shot where a woman's speaking some other language and they translated Allah to God. I thought that was a nice touch, since most people don't really make the association that Allah is just another word for God. I've noticed most people think it's a "different" God. Whatever that means.
A couple of my friends were kind of alarmed that I was going to see such a controversial film in my current state. I thought it might put things in perspective for me, so I was all for it. I mean, I've got a lot going for me compared to some toasted guy who's being hung from a bridge, or than some guy who's gone and been beheaded. I know that sounds really sadistic, but that's not what I'm getting at. It just helps me a bit to realize that even though I feel like I have nothing going for me, I still have my life. And I still have the chance to turn things around.
After the movie I came home... walked the dogs... and waited for david to get home so I could share that jello I made the day before. I've got pics of it... and of me with it... and stuff... but with all the talk of pictures I'm not much in the mood to talk about ~any~ pictures anymore.
We were watching law and order... or something... some show like that... they made a move that involved something in the patriot act... david and I... that's another thing we don't agree on. heh.
He went to study after that. My friend Lus called and we decided to meet in a while for coffee. In the meantime I watched Outback Jack and took the dogs for another walk.
We went to denny's for about an hour. He had a party to attend at the hospital (I opted out) and I had to meet david to go see spiderman. Lus made some interesting points... he's got a really different point of view than I do. It's really refreshing to hear his thoughts on certain aspects of things. He's a really great guy.
David and I got to the movie about half an hour early. It was surprisingly packed for being so late at night, but it was a "sneak preview" so I guess all is fair. They showed a preview for catwoman, which looks like it's gonna be rather silly. But there's that one scene where she falls off the second floor of a room and lands on her hands and feet. I'd see the whole movie just to see that. It's a nice little touch that I would have expected them not to include. heh. Anyway.. Spiderman 2 was really good. I can be a real critic sometimes, but I really did try to just sit back and enjoy the movie. There were times when I caught myself thinking "well that's a bit much," but I tried to push that out of my mind and enjoy the assault on my senses. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, I'm not gonna give anything away, but I will say my favorite scene is the big fight sequence on the train. I actually sat there and smiled as they carried him to the back of the train car. I especially liked how spiderman's suit tears from all the strain... I thought that was a very... powerful suggestion. I didn't like the ending, though. That's likely just to be my general mood right now, more than any fault of the movie.
I didn't eat anything yesterday save for the jello I had @ ~ 1830 or so. I've been drinking lots of water.
I haven't been hungry... or I haven't wanted to eat... or something. I had some popcorn at the movie theatre. I dunno... I don't feel like it's my place to be asking david to feed me. Or asking anyone to feed me. I wish I had some source of income.
David stopped by whataburger on our way home from the movie. I kept saying I wasn't hungry, but he wouldn't have it. When we got home I gulfed it down... I hadn't realized how long it'd been since I'd eaten. It was about 0400 when we even got to bed, and my stomach started cramping and such from eating so much food so quickly after not eating anything for so long. That, on top of my wonderful time traveling nightmares, did not allow me to sleep well.
Maybe now that I have vented some I will be able to sleep without torturing myself over the changes I'm not willing to make.
Some things are worth keeping, and I will keep my self-respect.
No matter how many dreams I have.

::: posted by tinafish at 8:56 AM :::